Captain America. Hawkeye. Hulk. Iron Man. Iron Fist. Nick Fury. Daredevil. Wolverine. Phil Coulson
These characters all mean something to me. I need them in my life. They are either examples to me on how I should live my life, influences on me with the way I live my life or people I can relate to that make me fee like I'm not alone. Here, we're going to go into part I-Bruce Banner, or the Incredible Hulk.
When I was a teenager, I had very horrible temper tantrums. And I was also a scientist-in that I studied science a lot and a lot of different kinds-biology, physics, chemistry, physiology, psychology, sociology, criminology, computer science... I was a quiet young girl. But when angered, I would turn into something more. I definitely wouldn't turn into a green monster fueled by rage, but I WAS fueled by rage.
I wasn't a self confident person. I was actually afraid of my 'Other Side' and so were my classmates. My friends were made up of classmates with 'Other Sides', even though they weren't as intellectually... Sound... As I was. They had learning difficulties and I was intelligent. Very intelligent. When I was 6, my IQ was 127. I'm currently studying in a prestigious university. So it was hard for me, knowing I was intelligent and yet had such anger problems because in my school, anger issues went hand in hand with low intelligence. Heck, they associated the inability to speak Welsh with low intelligence. And I couldn't speak Welsh either. So I spent my teen years just believing that I was unintelligent and would never amount to anything because my teachers thought so. And the careers advisors.
The teachers also did nothing about the bullies. The ones that would wind me up so far until I snapped and hit/kicked/bit and generally attacked who would go running to teacher that I bullied them. Sometimes, I remember these attacks. Other times, I would just black out and find myself in an office and the teacher storms in and lectures me about attacking other pupils.
To make matters worse, I have ADHD and difficulties controlling my impulses and emotions. The one I had (and still have) the most difficulty with is rage. Anger. At my worst, I punch holes in walls. At my best, I spew expletives. It's very Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. The rage fits, I've even had in the middle of the Magic Kingdom at Disney World. I broke a light switch in my school-and one in a Disney World toilet. Maybe, as well, it has something to do with the fact that I have an ASD and trouble communicating that I would get frustrated, then that frustration would manifest itself into anger and start the cycle.
So as I was struggling with controlling my anger, I came across someone else who had similar struggles-Bruce Banner/Hulk. It went a long way in showing me I wasn't alone in my pubescent mood swings. Well, perhaps pubescent isn't the right word, since I still have them in my 20s, but during puberty they were at their worst for me. Like I said, I put holes in walls and even broke my own hand doing it. I really saw-and still do see-myself in Bruce Banner. Minus the child abuse. But the rage, the desperation, the thoughts of suicide, the self harm just because I couldn't control myself... That's what I see.
Hulk Smash!
My teen years were certainly not all hellish, no matter how I paint it here. I had wonderful some pretty good times... When I wasn't angry. I owe a lot to the mild mannered scientist/rage monster Bruce Banner. Even now, I know I'm not alone in my rage problems. Not exactly why Stan Lee and Jack Kirby hoped Hulk would influence people's lives, but he's influenced mine. No, he's touched my life. At a time where I was at my lowest, struggling with confidence and my emotions and just generally lost, Dr Banner held my hand and helped me find my way. In fact, he's still helping me. I'm wandering through the darkness, but I know now that I'm not alone. And that feeling means so much to me.
Also, the Hulk gave me claustrophobia, but that's a story for another day.
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